The Silence and Stillness Surrounding Domestic Violence

Content and trigger warning: domestic violence. 

I am a survivor of domestic violence. It is not something I hide. I have been outspoken about my experience with violence at the hands of an ex. I have shared my story at “Take Back the Night” community events, at community meetings, and yes, at city council meetings. Despite no longer being with the person for nearly ten years, my memories of the violence I endured for 10 years continue to haunt me in my dreams and at times when I am awake. The worst moments are when I am awake and something triggers a panic attack. It happens randomly and I cannot put a finger as to why I respond to certain stimuli until after it happens. I recall one time, when my now partner and husband had asked me to cut his hair. I immediately shut down and started to cry. I could not explain why. I remember the feel of my heart, the beating increasing as though my heart was about to explode, my hands were suddenly extremely cold and sweaty, and I was frozen, with tears running my down face. He immediately asked, “What happened?” and I got up and ran out of the room, sobbing. I ran into the bedroom and almost barricaded the door. After a short time, he came in and he did not say a word. He sat near me and waited. I could not speak, as I could not name what happened or why I was feeling the way I did. Several hours later, after waking from a nap, I finally could explain. 

Let me preface this by saying, you are not him. But what you asked of me [to cut your hair] brought back memories when HE asked me to cut his hair. I used a hair shaver. He asked for a semi-buzz cut. I do not have a background in hair cutting or experience in cutting other people’s hair. I tried – I recall moving the shaver around his round head and tried to keep it close and low, because ‘he liked it a certain way.’ Less than ten minutes later, I am shrinking away from him, the hair buzzer discarded on the bathroom sink, as he is yelling and screaming at me, getting louder and louder, about how I ruined his hair and how unprofessional he looks. I do not remember what happened much after that, other than that I was crying. Crying real hard tears.